


A Careless Whisper

by Firstgay



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A careless whisper, College, Coming Out, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel!Train AU, I will add more tags as the story develops, Jazz Music, Kansas City, Lawrence Kansas, Multi, Runaway Sam, Saxophone Cas, Zoo, bi!cas, but will still keep some tags a secret because of spoilers, castiel in a quartet, dean/cas - Freeform, gay!Dean, straight!cas, train
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 16:11:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5934673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firstgay/pseuds/Firstgay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak meet on the train to Kansas City. Dean is trying to find Sam who ran away after yet another fight with John, and Castiel is on his way to live his dream of playing in a jazz quartet at the Blue Room. </p>
<p>Who knew a 30 minute train ride could change their lives forever?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. With this ring, I will not wed

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for stopping by you guys! This means a lot to me.  
> Just a couple of things before you start to read:
> 
> 1\. I know I'm a big fat liar when it comes to my update schedule, but I will try to be more consistent on this story, because this one has /more meaning/ to me I guess..?  
> 2\. This is going to be a long story, so buckle up. (in fact, I might end up making it a whole series)  
> 3\. I started to write this 2 years ago, got about half way through with it, and then I hated how it was going so I deleted it and started over. This is now my 3rd time writing this, but my 1st time posting it anywhere. I'm hoping that I will like it better if I get it off of my computer, and just put it out there BUT I AM DETERMINED TO FINISH IT THIS TIME
> 
> Any way, that's all. I hope you enjoy!!

POV: Castiel  
I place my saxophone case on top of my bed next to my weekender bag. Done. I’ve been stressing about packing all week, but like most things, I’ve waited until the last minute. Well, not completely last minute. I still have about two hours until I have to be at the train station.

I go into the kitchen to pour myself a cup of coffee to try to calm my pre-travel jitters, then curl up on my couch with a warm blanket. I grab my old, worn journal sitting on my coffee table and start writing:

I finally finished packing! All that’s left to do now is, well, get to Kansas City. Man, it seems like just yesterday I moved to Lawrence with my brothers and enrolled at Liberty Memorial Central Middle School. My first day of playing the saxophone. It was 6th grade, I didn’t know what instrument I wanted to play, so they told me to try the saxophone. 

Now I’m about to play with my three best friends in the city where the legends like Charles Parker Jr. played. I never even dreamed I could actually make it to a place as renowned as Kansas City.

I finish the short journal entry, put it in my bag, and down the rest of my coffee. While grabbing my luggage, I remember that I forgot to go grab my camera. When it is safely tucked away in my bag I leave, nervous and excited to say goodbye to my apartment for the weekend.

Finally, outside in the Familiarity of W 6th Street that I have been living on for the past 3 years I put my things in the passenger seat of my “jubilee gold” (as my grandpa called it) ’78 Lincoln Continental Mark V and head toward the train station. My grandpa gave the car to me in his will. He got it brand new even though Grandma told him not to. She hated that car, and although it’s not the car I would’ve preferred to get, it runs and it was free so I’m not complaining.

I would just drive to Kansas City, but seeing as my car isn’t in the best condition, and after staying up all week to cram for my music theory final I took this morning, I don’t think I’d trust myself to stay alert enough to drive. If my friends had stayed, I would have just driven up with them, but I told them to go ahead of me, because I had to be here until this morning and they wanted to do more sightseeing than we could fit into three days.

I get to the train station and check my car into the paid parking. I look at the clock and it’s only 12:32, about 30 minutes until I need to be on the train.

Sitting there, alone in my car, I look down in the floor of the passenger seat and see a ring. I look at it with a smile, but my eyes fill with painful memories.

It was the ring that had belonged to Meg.  
The ring that I had asked her to marry me with.  
The ring that she had said yes to.  
The ring that she had given back to me while lying in a hospital bed.  
The ring that she asked me to find somebody else to give to.  
The ring that has sat in my car ever since she died.

She would be disappointed in me if she saw me right now. She would be beyond happy for me of course, for making it this far in my musical career, but disappointed in me because I refused to let myself even think about falling in love again.

Thinking about her brings back all of those memories. The last time I saw her, she was just as beautiful as when I first met her. If only there was something that I could have done.

Maybe if we had gone to a different hospital, or if we had caught it sooner.

I shake that thought out of my mind, there is nothing you could’ve done to save her, Cas. You know that.

I get out of the car, and head toward the train, only after grabbing the ring and putting it in my pocket. As strange as it sounds, it gives me strength. I feel as though Meg is still with me somehow. It’s like she is the voice inside my head, telling me to do things, to change things; I just don’t really listen.

But that’s going to change. Now that the semester is finally over and I don’t have to worry about finals anymore, I can focus on making myself the person Meg wanted me to be.

I walk up the steps into the passenger car, determination filling my chest as I look around trying to find an empty seat. Which of course dissipates as soon as I realize that most people have already chosen their seats, leaving only a few for me to choose from.  
From the looks of it, there are only 4 remaining seats. Two are right next to each other. If I sat there, I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone.

I feel the ring in my pocket and remember Meg. She was always the outgoing one in our relationship. Any time we went to a party or something, she would always be the one to push me to go talk to people.

My steps are hesitant at first, but then I feel Meg’s reassuring hand on my shoulder, and her soft voice in my ear, “You can do it Cas.”

I push past the empty seats and move forward to one of the remaining 2 seats. The first one I see is a window seat, which isn’t bad, because I can just look outside the entire ride, but there is a man sitting in the aisle seat, and that usually means that he is either saving that seat for someone, or he just really doesn’t want someone to sit next to him.

I decide to move on to the only other remaining seat. It is at the very front of the car and next to a woman who looks like she is around my age. Before I could take a step in her direction a child comes bounding up behind me and stops and says “Excuse me Mister.”

I let him slide by, and the woman turns around at the sound of his voice, “Ben! I told you to be back here 5 minutes ago. The train could’ve left without you.”

I look back to the empty seat next to the man. Clearly he doesn’t want anyone sitting next to him, but I guess it won’t hurt to ask, right? I mean, it’s just one train ride. What could possibly happen?

“Excuse me, but is there anyone sitting next to you?” I ask tentatively.

“Sorry pal, but-“ The man looks up, (with the greenest eyes I have ever seen) and searches mine for something to say. “Y- no. Uh, they um, they aren’t-“ he pauses and takes a breath, “Yeah, you can sit here.” And flashes me the smallest, but brightest smile I have ever seen.

Immediately my stomach feels weird. I get nervous sometimes. Well not sometimes. A lot, so I just brush off the feeling, and bring my mind back to the man sitting in front of me.

“Hey, I’m Dean.” The man says after he scoots over to the window seat so I don’t have to crawl over him.

“I’m Castiel, but everyone calls me Cas.” I say, trying to stifle a blush before it happens.

“So where are you off to?”

“Kansas City. Im in a saxophone quartet from KU, and we get to play a show in the blue room at The American Jazz Museum.” I say backing off, trying not to sound too boastful.

“Woah. You must be good then. I’ve never picked up an instrument, I tried to learn the guitar once, but you know, family comes first.” There’s something sharp in his voice near the end of that sentence, but otherwise, it remains smooth.

“Ha, I guess im okay, Im getting my Bachelor of Arts degree with a Jazz Studies concentration, so I guess I’m really passionate about it.” I pause, take a breath, and then continue,

“So, where are you going?”

“I’m going to Kansas City too, but I might be going there for no reason.” He sounds suddenly distant, as if he is thinking about something making him sad.

“What?” I ask, confused.

“You see, my little brother kinda ran away from home this morning and stole my car.”

“Woah. Im sorry.”

“It’s fine, he can hold his own, but I just don’t like not knowing where he is ya’know?”

“Wait, you don’t know where he is? Then how come you’re going to Kansas City?”

“When we were younger, we used to always want to go to the zoo, but my dad never let us. The closest one is in KC, so I just figured he’d be there. Our dad used to be a marine, so he was real strict and we didn’t get to do a lot of things that we wanted to do.” He pauses and smiles, “But one time we were staying with one of his friends, Bobby, and he tried to take us to one, but we were in a small town. You know, one of those towns that if you blink, you miss it? Well there was a ‘zoo’ there. I had a cow, a llama, and a goat.” He laughs and I can tell the memory is still fresh in his mind by the spark in his eyes.

“Huh, that sounds more like a tiny ranch than a zoo.”

“Yeah, but the look on Sammy’s face was priceless. He didn’t know the difference, he was only 10 years old.”

“How old is he now?”

“He’s 18.” He smirks, and my stomach flips, “Yeah, he and I kind of have this creepy codependent relationship thing going on. We’re pretty much all we’ve got, so when one of us flips out and leaves the other one, it messes things up pretty bad.”

“Yeah,” I laugh, “I wouldn’t know about that. My brothers all hate me.” My glance falls to the floor of the aisle.

“I’m sorry, Cas.”

“Well, there’s really nothing I could do. They wanted different things than me, so I had to get out. I mean, if I didn’t, then I wouldn’t be here, on my way to one of the greatest places for Jazz music in the world.”

“Good for you. I can relate to the family problems though. My mom died when I was little in a house fire, and Dad went crazy trying to make everything seem like it was back to normal. He even rebuilt our house to look like it did before. And after he did that, he still didn’t feel like it was back to normal so he picked up drinking and I don’t remember seeing him sober for more than a day ever since.”

“Isn’t family the best? I mean, my mother died when I was little too. None of us know where my dad disappeared to, so my brother’s all decided that we would band together to keep his Law Firm up and running until he gets back, and when I told my brothers that I wanted to go to school to be a professional musician instead of a lawyer, they kicked me out. I still talk to one of my brothers occasionally, but even then he has to pretend like he is talking to someone else because he doesn’t want to be kicked out for agreeing with what I’m doing.”

A bitter laugh comes Dean, that I was not expecting, “Blood is thicker than water, but betrayal is thicker than blood.”

I shake my head in agreement, and we both fall silent for a moment. Neither of us had realized that the train had started moving.

The realization of my surroundings opened my eyes to how strange this conversation actually was, so all I can do is start to laugh.

Dean looks at me, eyebrows furrowed.

“Hello, it’s nice to meet you. My name is Castiel Novak. Would you like to hear all about my troubled family life?” I say enthusiastically.

Dean finally understands why I am laughing, and he begins to laugh too. “Yeah. I guess it is kind of strange to talk to a total stranger about all this.”

I shake my head in agreement, “I mean, I guess technically we aren’t strangers anymore.”

“I’d have to agree with you there.” He laughs again, then stops but still maintains a light-hearted demeanor, “But, putting this lovely conversation we have going at stake, if I’m being honest, I never felt like you were a stranger in the first place.”

My heart jumps to my throat, and my face flushes red.

I tell myself that Dean didn’t notice, but when I look back at him, he winks at me and gives me the cockiest grin I have ever seen in my entire life.

“It’s okay. I think you’re cute too.” Dean says.

What? I never said I think you’re cute!

“Oh, um… I’m not…” I don’t know what to say.

“You’re not what? Into men? That’s okay.” He gives me that cocky smile again, like he knows something I don’t.

I can’t help but smile when I see that grin of his. But that doesn’t mean that I like him.

“Honestly, though. I’m not.” I say still smiling at Dean.

He turns his head towards me, rests his head in his hand, and looks at me from under his eyelashes while is mouth hangs open in a half-smile and he moves his tongue along his teeth as if he’s expecting me to prove him wrong even though he hasn’t said anything for me to have proof against.

I seriously cannot take this man and his face. Like does he know what he is doing? Every time I look at him, this warm feeling in my chest just keeps growing bigger and bigger.

“Whatever you say, I guess,” He gets a mischievous glint in his eyes, “Okay. Answer one question, and I will drop this entire subject.”

I hesitate, “Okay, go.”  
“If Chris Evans came up to you and offered you a one-night stand, with no strings attached, would you do it? No one would even find out that you fucked Captain America- that is,  
unless you wanted them to, of course.” He winks at me.

I cannot help but burst out laughing, then Dean quickly follows suit.

After about a minute of solid laughter, Dean finally says something, wiping tears from his eyes, “So would you?” He nudges my shoulder.

“Yes, yes I would. I would fuck Chris Evans if the opportunity arose.”

“Good. That’s all that I wanted to hear” He raises an eyebrow and gives me that stupid smile again.

We spend the rest of the train ride sharing funny stories of our childhood, and embarrassing stories of middle school and high school, many of which ended up in tears because  
we were laughing so hard.

I’m sure the other passengers hated us, but we didn’t care. As far as we were concerned, it was just the two of us on this train.

When the train begins to slow and pull into the station, neither of us want to get up from our seat. As soon as we step foot back outside, Dean has to go find his brother, and I  
have to go check into my hotel and then find the guys.

We are the last two to leave the train, and when we get back outside, we stand there for about a minute just staring at each other before either one of us says anything.

“You know, I could use some help looking for Sammy.” He pauses, “Only if you don’t have to be somewhere right now though.”

The guys can wait. I can try to help Dean, and then I could check in later. I’ll just call the guys and say I’ll be later than expected. “Yeah, I could help you look for y-“

“Hey Cas! Glad to see you” My heart dropped at the sound of my friends approaching from about 30 feet away.

“Who are they?” Dean asks looking over my shoulder at them.

“Oh, they are the three other guys in my sax quartet.”

“Oh. Okay, well I guess I’ll just… I’ll just leave then.” He sounds sad.

Dean turns away from me, pauses, then starts walking in the other direction. With each step he takes, my heart gets heavier.

“Hey, Dean?” He stops and turns around, “Good luck, you know, finding Sam.”

“Thanks. And uh, good luck with your performance.” And with that, Dean walks away.

“Who was that?” Asks Alfie once they finally reach me.

“Oh, just some random guy I sat next to on the train.” I say watching Dean walk away until I can no longer see him.


	2. I'll be fine Alf, I promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry guys!!! I said that I would update frequently all the way back in February, and now it's November and I'm just now posting the second chapter.... 
> 
> But anyway, you have no reason to believe me, but I will be posting a new chapter (or more than one chapter) every day until the end of November.
> 
> "What?!" You ask, "You didn't write anything for 9 months! And now you are saying that you are going to write at least 30 chapters consecutively???"
> 
> Yes I am!! Do you want to know why? (Probably not, but I'm going to tell you anyway) I'M DOING NANOWRIMO this year, and I am technically cheating because I didn't write the first chapter in November, but don't complain. It's getting me to actually write. 
> 
> So, with that being said, I hope you enjoy the rest of this story!! Also, this chapter is kind of boring because I am still setting up Castiel and his friends relationships, but the next chapter will pick up again!! I promise!

“Any way, Cas, Are ya hungry? We were about to go get some dinner and maybe a couple drinks?” Kevin asked.

“Well, I was actually going to go check into my room, and put my luggage away before I did anything.”

“That’s cool! We can drive you to the hotel and wait for you to check in and stuff, then we can leave for dinner.” I can tell that there is no way that I am going to get around hanging out with them right now.

“Alright, yeah.” I say as I force a smile across my face. Really all I want to do is go back to my room and lay in bed for forever and not do anything ever again. 

I’ve been depressed for a long time, but I’ve been getting better with the help of my medication and my therapist, but every now and then, I just get hit with a wave of sadness that I still can’t decipher the cause of. 

Sometimes it’s because I spend too much time with a bunch of people and I haven’t had enough time to myself, but I haven’t been around many people since I’ve been studying for the past 2 weeks. 

Could it be because of Dean? 

I mean, I don’t know why it would be because of him, I mean, I haven’t been attracted to- I cut my thought off before I can even finish it. That is a whole can of worms that I can’t stand to open up right now. 

Maybe it’s just because I’m away from home. 

That’s probably it. I’m just homesick. I just have to get through a couple more days, then everything will be okay. 

Adam grabs my suitcase and Kevin grabs my saxophone and the four of us walk to Alfie’s car. 

“Sorry for the mess in here Cas, the guys are huge slobs.” Alfie laughs at Adam and Kevin as they close the trunk of the car, and I slide into the passenger seat. 

“Oh, yeah? If I remember correctly, this mess was here before we even got into the car.” Kevin teases.

I force a small laugh, and the rest of the car ride is spent in silence. I think the guys can sense that I don’t really feel that great. 

We finally make it to the hotel, and I grab my bags from the trunk of Alfie’s car. I drag them into the front door, check in, and then take them to my room. 

It feels empty. I mean, It’s got the usual hotel things in it: a bed, a desk, a tv, and a mini-fridge, but something about it just feels off. 

I get the chills, which shocks me out of my stupor, and I throw my bags on the ground next to my bed, then head back outside to meet with the guys.

“Okay, so where do we want to go?” Alfie asks as I close the door after sliding into the seat. 

“Wherever. I really don’t mind.”

“Alright. So no one has any suggestions?? Then let’s just drive until something sounds good.”

With that, Alfie pulls out of the parking lot and drives down random roads until we are somewhere downtown right in front of a grill. 

We get out of the car, and head inside. 

“Party of four?” The hostess asks. 

We nod in agreement and she leads us to a booth near the back of the restaurant. 

“Your server will be right with you.” 

We thank the hostess as she walks away. Then suddenly, Kevin slams his hands on the table. 

“Has Adam told you about Lucy?” He asks very enthusiastically.

“What? Lucy? No.” I look toward Adam, who Is sitting across from me.

“Oh yeah” He says sheepishly as he rubs the back of his neck, “I’m dating someone now. Her name is Lucy.”

“Wait. Which Lucy?” I asked, finally engaged in the conversation.

“Lucy Fir!” Alfie blurts out before Adam has any time to respond. 

“Wait. Lucy Fir? Isn’t she the one who is obsessed with all that weird religious stuff?” I scoff.

“Um, kinda.” His face turns red, “But she is crazy hot. You can’t deny that.” 

Murmurs of agreement come from everyone from the table, as Adam shifts his gaze back to Castiel, “So how about you? Have you gotten back into the game yet?” 

Kevin hits him in the shoulder and whispers, “Shut up! What are you doing? You know what just happened to Meg!”

“No, it’s fine, Kevin. I mean, she wanted me to move on, and I know I should. It’s been about 6 months and I haven’t even felt anything for anyone else. Well-“ Why did I just say ‘well’? I really haven’t felt anything for anyone else. 

“Well?” Kevin asks with a smile.

“I actually don’t know why I said that. I really haven’t been talking to anyone.” I say quickly. 

“Huh. Guys, It looks like Castiel here is getting back into the game!” The rest of the guys cheer.

“What? No? I just said that there wasn’t anyone.” The words are just spilling out of my mouth right now. I don’t know why I’m so nervous.

“So, what’s her name?” Adam asks.

“There is no ‘her’ guys. Calm down.”

“Wait. Is there a him? Because then well… we might have some…questions.” Kevin says. I can tell that he really hopes that there isn’t a him.

“Well, we’re all in luck, because there isn’t a ‘him’ either. And don’t worry about that. There has not been, nor will there be a him.” Castiel knew he was lying but he had to say whatever he could to confirm that he didn’t like guys, for the guys, and for him. 

The waiter comes around and takes everyone’s orders. Once he is gone, the conversation continues, but nothing is really said aside from small talk. 

Once the meal is finished, and the bills are paid, another question pops up in everyone’s head, ‘Where to next?’

The three decide on a bar that they passed on the way to the grill, but Cas is still hesitant. 

“Hey guys, I think I’m just gonna sit this one out. I’m not really feeling that up to going out right now.” They all know about my depression, and know not to push me too far when I’m really not interested in doing anything. 

“Okay, that’s fine. We can just drive you back to the hotel, and find a bar near there.” Alfie suggests.

“No, it’s fine. I could actually use the fresh air to clear my head. I’m just really nervous about this weekend, you know?”

“Alright, well call us if you need anything. I don’t really feel great about letting you walk around the city at night, but if you think it’s okay, then so are we.” Alfie is really the most thoughtful out of all of the guys, and he is probably my best friend. It’s just weird trying to think of someone else as my best friend after meg. I mean, she has been my only best friend ever since we were 13. 

The four of us leave the grill together, and Alfie unlocks the car and says “you guys can go ahead and get in. I just want to talk to Cas about something real quick.” 

Alfie walks up to me with a serious look on his face, “You know that I would accept you. Even if, you know, there was a ‘him’. I just want to make sure that you know you can talk to me about anything.”

His confrontation takes me aback for a moment, but I can feel his genuine sincerity, and I feel at ease again, “Thanks Alf. That means a lot. But you don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be fine, I promise.” I smile and turn away heading down the poorly lighted pathway all by myself.


	3. Sometimes You Have to Get Lost

Castiel's POV 

Maybe I should’ve taken Alfie up on his offer to drive me back to the hotel. I have no Idea where I am, and it is pretty creepy out here. I mean, it’s only 8 o’clock, but still.

A car drives past, which breaks up the eerily silent night, but as soon as it passes, I get a bad feeling again. 

I try to occupy my mind with thoughts about this the performance on Saturday night, but for some reason my mind keeps going back to the train ride with Dean. 

Could I actually like him?

I mean, I just met him. Can you fall for someone after talking to them for half an hour?

But some people do believe in love at first sight. 

But I’m not into guys anymore. I haven’t been for years. Besides, it’s not like I can risk anything at this point. I just need to keep my head down with everything except for my musical career. I only have one more year until I have to have a real job. With no family I can fall back on, I need to have something ready as soon as I finish school, and if I turn back now that is only going to be one more distraction.

I can’t get him out of my mind though. Every time I close my eyes, I see his bright green eyes, or his luminescent smile, or hear his bubbly laughter, and it’s driving me crazy. 

God. Maybe I do need a drink. 

I realize that I have been walking for a long time, but in no specific direction, toward any definite destination. In fact, I have no Idea where I am. 

I keep walking for a couple minutes when I see a dimly lit sign reading “The Zoo Bar” 

I let out a bitter laugh. Of course this is the nearest bar. The universe is just forcing me to remember Dean and his story about him and his brother when they went to that lame zoo. 

Okay, maybe I’m gonna need more than just a drink.

I walk through the front doors, and am greeted by a dank, musty smell, and a nearly empty bar. There are only 3 other people here. The bartender, a middle aged woman with a virile appearance and dark red hair, and two guys sitting together in a booth on the furthest wall. One of them has blonde hair, and the other has long brown hair. 

“What can I do ya’ for hun?” The woman asks.

“Just give me something strong.” I retort sitting down at the bar in front of her. 

“My name’s Ellen by the way.” She mentions as she is pouring various liquids into a shot glass.

“Cas.”

“Nice to meet you, Cas.” She pauses, and looks at me with a thin mouth, “just so you know, bartenders are basically unlicensed therapists. I’m really good at listening. Just if you need an ear, any ways.” She finished that last part quickly as she slides me a burnt orange liquid in a shot glass. 

I take it, and cringe as it burns its way down my esophagus, then immediately feel a warmth spread throughout my entire body. 

“Oh my god. What was that?” I ask through a heavy coughing fit. 

“It’s called a Hot Damn. Whiskey, Rum, Vodka, and Orange Juice. You looked like you were in need of the hard stuff tonight.” 

“Thanks. Can I get a brew too?”

“Sure, what’d you like?”

“Surprise me.”

She walks over to the tap, and starts pouring the foamy liquid into the glass. 

She then walks back to me and hands me the glass across the bar, and leans against it as if she is expecting me to talk. 

After about a minute of silence on my end, she picks up a sharpie and hands it to me, “Go ahead. Write what’s bothering you on the wall.” 

I look around, and on practically every inch of the walls there are things that people have written in marker.

“Woah. How did I miss this?” I say getting up and walking towards the wall in awe. 

“It’s actually not that surprising. Most people don’t come in unless they need a drink to forget. We cater to the heart-broken and troubled. No one 100% ever finds us. We are in such an odd location that you really have to get lost to find us. Getting lost is a lot harder when you have a clear mind. That’s how I knew you had something you wanted to get off your chest.”

“What about those two?” I ask gesturing to the two men in the back of the room who seem to still not realize that I walked into the bar, “They seem pretty happy.” 

“Ah, I wish I could tell you, but Bartender-client-confidentiality, you know? Just know that they have their own problems. Anyway, if you don’t want to talk about it, you can tell the wall. Sometimes it helps to know that the information is out there, but you still keep some anonymity.” 

I pause and think for a while. Then I pick up the marker and turn to the wall again. 

I look at some of the things people have wrote before me and see “I slept with my girlfriend’s best friend”, “My brother is leaving for college and he still doesn’t know who I am.”, “My family kicked me out of the house and I don’t know where I’m going to go now.”, and “I know he’s cheating on me, I just don’t know how to tell him that I know.” 

“Wow. Some of these are kind of intense.” I say, my eyes still moving from one statement to the other.

“Yeah. I told you, the only people that come here, are the people that need to.” Ellen says as she wipes the inside of a glass clean.

I still have no idea what I’m going to write, but I decide to put the marker to the wall, and let my hand tell me what is wrong, and I begin writing. 

My mind is blank, and I have no Idea what I’m saying until I lift the marker off of the wall:

“I never believed in love at first sight until I met Dean.”


	4. The Writing On The Wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: This chapter contains mentions of domestic abuse

I walked back to the bar, not really comprehending what I had just written down. I guess that means that I like- wait, is it love- Dean. 

“Okay, that doesn’t seem to have helped. You look more confused than you did the second you walked in here.” Ellen says returning to her spot directly in front of me. 

“Yeah. It just made things a lot more complicated.” I sighed.

“I know you are hesitant about talking about it, but maybe I can help you work things out?”

“Worth a shot, right?” I shift into a more comfortable position on my bar stool, and prepare to spill all of my secrets to yet another stranger, “So I am originally from Lawrence. I came here because I am playing at the Blue Room on Saturday night with three of my friends.”

“Really, the blue room? Wow. Looks like we got a Jazz Legend in the house!” Ellen exclaims

I blush as I continue, “Well, I had to take a final this morning but all of my friends wanted to come up early so they can do some stuff in the city, you know? So I took the train up here, and I met this… person on the train. We talked and talked the whole ride, and it was really nice, but I just don’t see how it is possible that I actually like them. I’ve been through a lot these past 3 years and I’m not the same person that I was before all of that.” 

“What kind of person were you before?”

“I…uh, don’t really talk about that anymore.” I say sheepishly.

“Okay, that’s fine. I just want you to know that I’m really accepting, and if you’ve said that you changed and aren’t the same person you were before, then where’s the harm?” 

I mean, she is a complete stranger. I had no problem telling my life story to Dean. She really seems like she could help. 

I look to the people beside me. They are very public about their relationship for being two guys, and Ellen doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. Maybe she won’t freak out if I tell her that I used to be bi. 

“Um… so from the time I was 14 to when I was 18, I identified as bisexual.” Ellen just nods as if she is expecting me to say something more, “I, uh, I’ve been in a relationship ever since I was 14 though. With a girl. She always told me though that if I wanted to take a break so that I could explore my sexuality, that would be fine, but I never did. I guess it was ‘just a phase’ like everyone always says.” 

Ellen thinks about what I just said for about a minute, “So tell me more about your girlfriend.”

“Well, she’s not really my girlfriend anymore. Um, she was my fiancé, but she passed away 6 months ago.”

“Oh hun, I’m so sorry.” Her eyes fill with tears. I can tell that she too has lost a loved one. 

“Thanks. Yeah, it’s been hard. She really helped me through a lot. Back when I was 18, I came out to my family, and they… kicked me out of the house. She was there to take me in.” A sad smile comes across my face as I remember coming to her front door with tears in my eyes, and her welcoming me with open arms. 

“Has your family come around to you at all?” 

“Not one bit. I even called them and told them that I’m not bi anymore last year, but they still don’t want me anywhere near them. Actually they are the only reason that I am in school. If that whole thing didn’t happen, they would’ve expected me to raise my own money for school, and I really didn’t plan on going. I mean, I’m a musician after all. But now, my family is paying for my education and housing to keep me as far away from them as possible.” 

“Well, at least you can get some compensation for what they put you through. Now why do you say you aren’t bi anymore? Was it really just a phase, or do you think you were just pushing the side of you that is attracted to guys away because you wanted your family to accept you?”

I pause, and look back to the moment that I realized that I wasn’t bi anymore. It was the day after I came out to my brothers. “Actually… that may be a possibility.” I think back to the last 3 years of my life.

Could I have been repressing my emotions because of my safety? Since I am not with Meg anymore could that side of me be coming out more?

“So, this- person- is it a guy that you met on the train?” 

“Yeah. And I didn’t mean to write what I wrote on the wall, but I just let it happen naturally, and it said that I loved him.”

“Well, maybe you do. You know, they say that we have multiple soulmates on this Earth, so you have more than one chance of falling in love in your lifetime. But even though you have more than one soulmate, you only have one who is your perfect match. And if you find them, that is when ‘love at first sight’ happens. They say the moment your eyes lock into each other’s; your souls automatically intertwine.”

“So what you are saying is, Meg was my soulmate, but Dean is my perfect match?” I can’t believe I’m actually buying into this crazy story. 

“Well maybe. Soulmates are an equal thing, meaning that if you feel it, but he doesn’t, then you aren’t a perfect match. You just have that bond with another person. Which could actually be the case. I mean, you did just have a very long relationship end, so you might be more inclined to fall for someone who is not your soulmate.” 

“So how do I find out if this whole thing is mutual?” 

“Um, I’m not really sure. Maybe if you see each other again, you will just know.”

“Yeah, maybe.” I say defeated. I look at the time, and see that it is almost midnight, and I am the only other person in the bar, “Alright, well you’ve actually been a lot of help, but I have practice early tomorrow morning, so I need to get going back to my hotel.” 

“Did you drive here?” Ellen asks.

“No, I walked.”

“Here, let me get my daughter Jo to drive you back. I wouldn’t feel right making you walk back by yourself if you don’t even know where you are.”

“Oh, no. Really I’m fine.” I insist.

“Nonsense,” She opens the door at the end of the bar that I hadn’t noticed before, and yells up the stairs that lie behind it, “Hey, Jo can you come down here? I want you to take someone back to their hotel.” 

She barely knows me, yet she is sending her daughter to take me home? Maybe this woman is crazy.

“Be right down” a feminine voice calls from the top of the stairs. 

A few minutes later, I hear footsteps come bounding down the stairs, and a Blonde girl wearing a green flannel with an ACDC shirt underneath steps out from the door and goes behind the bar. 

“So. Where to?” She asks me.

I tell her the name of my hotel, and she steps out from behind the bar. She is wearing ripped blue skinny jeans, and black combat boots. I see a large pocket knife sticking out of her front right pocket. 

Huh. That’s why her mom is letting her daughter take strange men. 

I say goodbye to Ellen, and she slides me a piece of paper with the Bar’s address on it, “Just in case you ever need to stop by again.” 

Me and Jo walk toward the front door, and for some reason, my eyes land on a sentence that someone had written on the wall, “I came here to look for my brother, but all I can think about is this guy I met on the train. I’m a terrible brother.”

“Wait!” I shout, “Who wrote this? Was it Dean?” 

“What are you talking about?” Ellen asks as she walks over to where I’m standing to get a closer look at what I am talking about. Once she sees it, she replies, “wow, I guess so. A guy named dean came in earlier today, and He was talking about his brother, so I guess I didn’t put two and two together. I don’t typically look at what people write on the walls. I generally stay behind the bar.”

I am stunned into silence. “So dean is my perfect match,” I say in awe. 

“I guess so.” She pauses with a smile on her face. “So are you going to try to find him?”

“I mean, yeah I want to, but I don’t think I’ll have time to. I am really busy all day tomorrow, and then on Saturday I have to get ready for the show. And I mean, he’s probably already found Sam by now, so I might have missed my chance.”

“Love finds a way hun. Just give it time. I’m sure you will find eachother again.” Ellen says as she reaches out to give me a hug. 

Her hug is warm, and soft, and it just reminds me of all the hugs I’ve missed from my mother. 

“Thank you Ellen. I will definitely be coming back soon.” I say as my eyes start welling up. 

Jo and I get into her car, and she asks what that crying was about. I tell her about how my mom died when I was little, and that my family hasn’t spoken to me in years because I came out to them. 

“I can relate to that,” She says, “My dad died a couple years back. It’s my fault, and I know it is. But my mom doesn’t blame me for it, which is probably the worst part about it.”

“I’m sorry.” I say, “Do you mind me asking what happened?” 

“No it’s fine. I’ve come to terms with it now. I too came out to my family -I’m lesbian- and my mother took it really well, but my dad… not so much. He uh, he started hitting me. It got so bad that I had to go to the hospital a couple of times. He just made up excuses each time. One night, I brought my girlfriend home, and he hit her too when I tried to sneak her out.” Her eyes glaze over for a second, then focus back onto the road, “That same night, he drank too much. He drank all of his beer and whiskey, so he decided that he was going to go out and get more. No matter how much my mom tried to tell him not to, he did. And He didn’t make it home. Ran into a tree actually.”

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry jo.”

“Thanks. It’s just the hand that some of us are dealt with. We gen no choice in who our families are. We just have to learn to make the best out of our situations. For instance, I got tired of him being able to hurt me so easily, so when he died, I took a bunch of different self-defense classes, and martial arts, and things of the like so I can protect myself in case I ever have to.”

“And I guess I’m getting free college out of my family, and made it here. I guess things aren’t so bad after all.”

“Yeah. It’s just how you look back at it. I could look back on my past and think of it like ‘why did that happen to me?’ or I can think ‘now I am stronger because of the things that happened to me in the past.’ Alright. Well, here we are.” She says as she pulls into the parking lot of the hotel, “It was really nice getting to know you Castiel.” She slides me a piece of paper with a phone number on it, “Text me so I can have your number, that way I can tell you if Dean comes back to the bar, okay?” she smiles at me.

I laugh, “Thanks Jo.” 

“Oh, and while you are doing that, tell me when and where your performance is, because I really want to see it. You are really cool, and I think we could be great friends.” She smiles again. 

“Of course!” I reply. “It was very nice to meet you Jo, and thank you so much for the ride back.”

“No problem, dude!” 

“Alright, I’ll talk to you later,” and with that, I slide out of the car seat, and walk to my room. 

Once inside I find my journal. I have way too much that I need to write about tonight. 

I start the journal entry with the date like I always do, and then let my mind do the rest of the writing. It begins like so:

‘A lot happened today. I realized that I am still bi, I made some new friends, and I fell in love with someone today, as strange as that might sound.   
Meg, if you can see me from heaven, I hope you are proud of who I am becoming, because I am.   
And I don’t know if Ellen was right about finding a perfect match, but if she is, I feel like dean is my perfect match…’


End file.
